What Are the Best Pop Music Lyrics?

Well, I really wanted to know the answer to this Question.. "Know your enemy", I always say.
So today I'm going to look up the top 5 singles in the US and try to find the best lines from them.

The 5th best pop song right now is by someone called Colbie Caillat.. Not even sure how to pronounce that. But her song is delightfully named Bubbly..



After reading the first two stanzas, the song appears to be about some man who makes her feel like a child and perhaps brings up some memories of abuse from that point in her life.

In the second part of the song, she has discovered that to prevent getting wet, being indoors is almost foolproof.. But because "almost" foolproof doesn't quite do it for her, she decides to cover her head with a sheet.

In the final verse, before the assault of another chorus, she revisits her childhood and confesses that she appears to have some sort of disability which prevents her from feeling warmth without being comfortable: This would explain why she has been staying out of the rain.

A choice part of this song would be:

"What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm"

I have no idea what that this means.. I would invite anyone who does know to explain it to me. Thanks. Full lyrics are here.

Number 4 on the list is Flo Rida Featuring T-Pain.. The T perhaps standing for a word he couldn't quite manage to spell.. My guess would be "tea". (the picture shown is some random rapper. i'm quite convinced the artist of this song isn't too far off this guy)


Their song Low is wonderfully brief. They obviously have some difficulties understanding the basic definition of talking to someone. In the first few lines (after what appears to be some noise based on the letter 'H') they have inquired 3 times whether or not they can talk to the protagonist in this song. This would, in itself constitute talking to them. I suspected he might then begin perhaps requesting a reply, but instead the song digresses into talk about brand name clothing .

It becomes obvious that this songs main theme is in fact repetition. While boasting a count of 127 "words", very few of them appear less than twice. In fact, while only 8 words of the song only appear once, "low" makes an incredible 15 appearances. I can only assume that the writer was forced to create this using only the words remaining from a dictionary that may very well have been on fire.
The song is "about" a short girl dancing, and would probably have been better if there was no dancing.. or girl. Remember, "only speak if it will improve upon the silence".

A choice section from the song:
"Them baggy sweat pants And the reebok with the straps .. with the straps" it's really the pause between repeating "straps" that offers up the suspense in the story which helped bring this to sell so well.
full lyrics here

Coming in at number 3 is Timberland featuring OneRebublic (A man who is to good for the spacebar) Performing a song called Apologize .


This song has one important factor going for it, the title. It prepares you for what you would inevitably want to hear from the author of the song once finished reading the lyrics. The story of this song appears to center around what seems to be some sort of Rocket Person, who the rapper unwittingly tied a rope to, and ending up being dragged into the stratosphere, only to have his screams of fear greeted by the severing of the rope. While presumably plummeting to his doom, he contemplates how late it would be for an apology. This would be obvious to anyone falling at these speeds as by the time the second syllable sounds, you'd be a red mush.

The song continues as it is soon discovered that while he did in fact need the Rocket Person he also quite fancied a heart that could "beat". And soon after declaring how obvious he was being, discussing this, he compares his need for the Rocket Person to a red (and in fact blue) flame, certainly inspired by the now distant jetpack.
The rest of the song goes on apologizing presumably to the people who have wasted their time reading this tripe...

A quick sample:
" It's too late to apologize, it's too late I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah " This is probably what i would say as well, if perhaps a person very hard of hearing had wronged me.
For your own masochistic purposes the full lyrics are here

In at number 2 we say hello once more to T-Pain, this time being featured in the song Kiss Kiss with Chris Brown.



This song is more of a heavy-weight than our last entry, something to the tune of 740 words in fact.. So i'll give you the gist of whats going on in this list of verbal diarrhoea.
Firstly don't let the word count fool you, this about as deep as a puddle in the Sahara. In fact i'm going to just give you the story in "rap cliché" format.
1) Man wants respect from his "woman"
2) I bet your woman prefers me (because i'm a rapper)
3) Wearing a bandana.
4) Listing things you own (including women)
5) Referring to your "girl" and using a bird as a metaphor

thats more or less the "story". Here's a sample of the story-tellers style of writing:
"(YEAAH) I got money on me (YEAAH) baby girl no problem (YEAAH) you rollin shawty (YEAAH) let's hit MacDonalds (ruff)"

The rest of this abomination is here


Finally we've broken through the nasty layer of rappers to reach number 1. This is Alicia Keys with No One.


This is the last chance for today's pop prove that monkey's may not be able to write better lyrics. So far it's obvious that even a very drunk 4 year-old could improve upon the rape of english the last few songs have shown. So is this song any better?
If I were to ask you what the main pop song cliché's are, you'd perhaps list them in this order:
1) Wanting to hold someone close
2) Staying with said person "forever"
3) Our love is only getting better

She's managed to fit all 3 of these in the first 4 lines of the song. Magic!
She continues saying the usual stuff about being safe with her and blundering through a darkness metaphor. To be honest I stopped reading after the chorus has reached it's quota of 6 "No One"'s

Perhaps the song goes on to compare love to other things.. birds perhaps.. a coffee cup. Or whatever else she can see lying around the house. I really don't care.

Thus brings us to the end of our experiment. And I hope the ride was as painful for you as it was for me.

Let us never speak of it again.

The Great Indoors

Some observant folk may have noticed that I've been away for a while. To you I say; well spotted. To others, I say welcome to a more regular Pretentious Indie Boy blog. As it happens I still don't actually own a decent computer to combat this problem. I got a job in which i work, or at least pretend to work on a computer. So I hope to be able to get back to some entertaining Indie writing.

I think I can discuss firstly how to get yourself a good Indie job. Considering I now work in a particularly indie part of the software development industry I now add "Getting an indie job" to my areas of expertise.
Here is what you need to know to be in a job that you'd be proud not to lie to people about.

1) Location!

I'm sure many of you realize the possible pitfalls of a terrible location in the place where you will be spending most of your time. What if you work beside a trendy clothes shop or a fast food chain?! As well as the embarrassment that you'd suffer walking with someone else towards your work, you'd also have to deal with the sorts of people that would actually spend time around these types of shops; trendies; louts; and if your particularity unlucky.. the kind of people who watch reality TV.
So here are some things you should be near:
a) At least 2 indie coffee shops... in case one burns down, you have a backup.
b) 1 indie record store.. incase work folk want to join you for lunch, a swift dip into an indie record store will scare them off
c) A cultural venue; Gallery, Museum or indie cinema, somewhere to say you plan on going after work.
d) Within cycling distance from where you live. (I've discussed before problems with buses.. oh the hate!)

2) Company Size

Your company should of course be small.. But if it's a big one make sure it'll never become successful. As an employee you'll be able to destroy chances of their success from the inside.
But use it wisely.. While you don't want them to become too successful, you certainly don't want to be out of a job. This takes great skill and I would only advise it to be done by people who REALLY know their music.. and perhaps own some rare 70's records.

3) What they do

You know what makes a small company successful?.. innovation, novel idea's, hard work and of course moments of brilliance from employees. If you start noticing any of these, you're in trouble.. The company could suddenly break into the big time and you could be working for the next Microsoft! So remember, if you see a bright thoughtful employee in your company, dishearten them by putting down their ideas. Laugh away their plan to save the company 33% of their costs. Importantly, ridicule people that work too hard. After a while the company stop dreaming of being a rocket aimed into space and start floating like a canoe without paddles.

Perfect!

Forward:
Well folks, i've returned from London where i saw Joanna Newsom, who was incredible i must say. Some people may have noticed i've been away for a long time, it was a slight technical issue, my computer didn't turn on one day.. i opened it up and played with it a bit (making it a much more complicated technical issue) and now it lies a shell of it's former glory.
i've borrowed a laptop for a little while and i hope i'll be able to get back to regular blogging.

Now for the main feature:
the time off i'd had over the past few months has given me a lot of time to think, eat and look for a real job. As it happens i've instead spent the time thinking too much, eating too much and convincing myself that perhaps i could dance around in a puppet suit professionally.
Most of all the past few months have thought me the hard lessons of "Being Indie with out a compuer!"

here are some indie things that are more complicated without a computer:

1) Getting Indie Music

Recently i came accross a band called loveninjas. They sound great and have about 12,000 listeners so they're in a good zone, if a band has lower than 2,000 listeners then it hasn't been properly vetted and while those listeners love the band in question, they are likely to be related to the members in some way. if the band has over 50,000 listeners a good indie music follower should by all right should have heard of them and already exclaimed how much better they were when they had 20,000 listeners.
another good thing about the 12,000 listeners mark is that it's usually quite easy to get the CD in some Indie record shop. as it happens with the band in question a large number of its listeners live in sweden (as do the band) and if there is one thing that is not easy to get without a computer it's indie bands from far away places.

2) Patronising Other Peoples Music Taste

I've recently discovered that people don't like being told how awful the music they like is. This doesn't make a huge amount of sense to me. I often see people with terrible taste in music as "unenlightened" or perhaps "sheltered" and it's up to someone (me) to help them break into good music, or at the very least understand what when they say a particular brand of chart-tripe is "good" what they mean is "pathetic loathsome shit".
convincing people face to face has provoked reactions that has lead me to conclude that giving people bad news like "Your favourite band is so incredibly terrible that i'm more likely to eat off my own foot then be able to listen to an entire song" is best done over the internet where you are to far away to invoke any physical violence.

How indie are you REALLY?

If you really want to know the cold hard truth then here's what you need to do...

step 1)

Create a last.fm account, it'll only take a few seconds.. go here

step 2)

listen to music as you normally would for a week. with the last.fm plug-in on your music player be it iTunes or Windows Media thingy.

step 3)

go here to the "Mainstream-O-Meter" and it'll calculate how "Mainstream" you are.. and give you a handy little percentage, the lower it is the more indie you are (probably)
best of luck folks
post your results as a comment when you get them

here is one i did earlier

Indie Show-Down

It's a clear, cold night.
the further you walk, the more you seem to notice it becoming more lonely, as people are appearing less and less... The night is pouring in around you. Even the street lamps fighting it seem to be surrendering to it's persistence. Just then, as if from the shadow itself, steps an Indie guy.. He walks towards you with purpose and determination. he stops, stares and asks "So what kinda music are you in to".... You've just been called out to prove your Indie Cred.. what do you do?
luckily, i have some helpful hints!

1) First Response:

The first thing you say could determine if you win or lose, so be careful!
What you need to do is name off some pretty obscure bands, but ALSO throw in some red herrings here is the formula, the order is important: (a+x)+(b+y)+(c+Z)

here is how it works. a,b,c are your red herrings: these are indie in name, but in reality they're the at the popular end of indie. x and y are your relatively unknown bands and finally so they know you mean business Z, this is a VERY obscure band, but not your Ace, you need that for later.. here is an example of how it might sound:

"Well, i like Belle and Sebastian, Sparklehorse and umm.. Sufjan Stevens, dEUS i was just listening to Eels and also John Shelly and the Creatures"

what you want is for them to ask about your Z band, that is when you can cut him where he stands with the Kryptonite of Indie retorts "Oh.. you wouldn't know them, they're pretty underground" sadly any self respecting indie follower wouldn't fall for that. they'd remember the name and look it up in their own time.

2)The Rally

This is where your true colours are shown, and your first few Indie-Cred-Clashes, will be a short clean defeat. The Rally is more about experience than actually Indie knowledge. Here is how most Rallies will develop.
a) Testing the water:
during this period of the Rally bands will be thrown around between the two of you until someone breaks with mention of a gig.. something like this:
...
"Yeah.. i liked the first album, did you hear the Arcade Fire album"
"In fact i did, and i saw them live last year..."

b) Live Show.. Show Down
Things just got complicated.. you have gotten over the first hurdle and you have proven that you KNOW your stuff. but have you seen it? it's no longer just about how indie the band is.. it's about how indie they were when you first saw them play.. SO lets welcome back the red herring bands that we used earlier. now these guys are going to win it for you.. this is the round where the lesser known bands don't mean crap.
A popular band that you saw years ago before they where big is exactly what you want here.. not too popular.. you don't wanna be saying stuff like "i saw Take That before they broke up.. "..that sorta crap will get you killed!
this round will last until either one of you has aced the other OR until someone changes back to indie bands again...

c) Last Stand
remember that Ace you where saving.. this is where to throw it out.. the situation is desperate and if you've made it this far then the guy is good.. really good.. it's like a western quick draw.. the one that gets out their Ace first will have victory and the other will fall in disgrace..

lastly.. be careful out there...

"Quoting is for pretentious people with a good memory"

I gotta say i love quoting people, the one above comes from Niall P. Deehan.
Here are some about "Indie" and don't forget if you can't remember who said something just think of a name in your head and say it with conviction! no one likes to argue with someone with conviction.

"All you needed was a couple of instruments and a few chords and you could be on an indie label."
David Byrne

"First off, I don't want anyone to think I'm this huge thing in Japan. Every group from here that's made any records over any length of time - even indie bands - have a Cheap Trick effect in Japan. "
Matthew Sweet

and my personal favourite:

"I will never sign to a major record label again. If, by some mega fluke, a record of mine looked like it might break big, I'd try and do it via an indie or somehow license it. I'm not having my music owned by those corporate bastards again."
Malcolm Wilson.

Now after my brief search for Quotes on indie. i realized that in fact there are VERY few quotable indie representatives. i hope to be the one to end that trend. Here are a few quotes, choice pieces of wisdom from my own memory, which i suggest be studied and repeated.

"The first time i truly realized i was indie, was when i found myself to be the only member of the audience at a terrible gig in Dublin on a Monday night, and being delighted about it"
S. Berkovich

"It's better to have loved and lost, but it's best to have loved their early stuff first."
Sebastian E. B.

"Someone once asked me 'if you couldn't be indie, what other social group would you be?'. i of course answered 'None'. she replied 'don't be stupid, only girls can be nuns'"
S. E. Berkovich

Winter is Coming

After what i can only describe as a terrible summer, i've decided to boycott Autumn.
I want to be clear that this is not because i have something against Autumn. In fact, generally after summer i'm more than ready to embrace the opportunity to put back on the Indie coats and hats that have been too heavy to wear during the summer. But due to the sorry state of this summer, all of my most Indie T-Shirts have been hidden away under layers of retro hoodies or cord jackets.
So i'm going to keep being in summer until my Shirts have gotten enough wear.
this as it turns out, isn't as easy as it sounds and so i've done some research into summer music which will help me get into the summer spirit. i'm also on track towards covering my window with a poster of a beach and leaving a lamp behind it..
So here's the music that would make ANYONE happy:

I'm From Barcelona: 24 Swedes all singing about things like stamps and holidays.. very happy stuff.

Billie The Vision & The Dancers: Apart from having a great name AND great music, it appears you can download any of their songs for free here on last.fm

The Format: I'm not sure if what they're singing about is happy or not.. but i'm too distracted by the summery sounds of the instruments to care all that much. they also have a great site. you can also have a listen here.

Dogs Die In Hot Cars: I really love these guys, their name is funny, they're music is happy (but it makes you think), most importantly they're only going to get MORE indie by the day. this is of course because they only released one album 5 years ago and broke up. I still listen to their music a lot! here's a torrent (it's not stealing because you can't really get the album any more)

Mic Christopher: Irish singer song writer, tragically died before releasing his first album, which as it turns out is FANTASTIC!

hope somebody finds something they like within this.
enjoy the rest of the summer.. lets hope it lasts till around January

Changes..

Some of you may have noticed i played around a bit with the scheme of my blog...
still not sure about it.. so if anyone has any suggestions, or if you find it difficult to read due to colour choice, or anything, just let me know.

A Gig In Birr..

I've returned home from a pleasant trip to Birr, I was going to see John Shelly and the Creatures play. I of course had a crew of less Indie but equally interesting friends coming along with me.
this made me think, perhaps all my aspiring Indie readers don't yet understand the VAST importance of having non-Indie friends. So i shall now explain in great detail the necessity of other personalities, that if added to your clique will improve your image.

The Stylish but Hopeless: This refers to the person that to an observer appears stylish, generally well washed and the proud owner of a 9 to 5 office job. This person is not simply "non-Indie" but will in fact do their utmost to avoid being labelled as such. In fact the only reason that anyone with this personality would ever join your merry band of music lovers is to reassure themselves of how distant they are from anything resembling indie... So, why would anyone want this person around? firstly this person would be no threat to you in the fight for indie cred. but more importantly, to other indie folk you would appear to be a fair and balanced judge of people. This of course will lull any other indie folk into a false sense of security. Because as we all know judging people in a fair and balanced way makes you a bit of an anomaly in the Indie world. So when they approach expecting a short lived exchange of indie cred, that's when you hit them with the really obscure stuff, it wont be long before they crawling inside themselves to say "I haven't heard them.. but i've heard of them". with that, the fight is over!

The Sponge: A person that isn't at all indie and doesn't want to be, but for some reason, after a year or so of preaching at them, absorbs all information about obscure record labels, and important release dates that you can't always remember yourself. you can consider these people your walking Indie-Encyclopaedia, and referring to THEM for the information during an Indie Cred battle makes you seem like you must have just told them 5 minutes ago.

The Closet Case: This is someone who is Indie in everything but name. They generally have a good understanding of Indie music and films but have no idea how to broadcast their indie-ness or converse with other indie folk. these people are very useful for buying albums that you can't afford and go with you to gig's no one else will. everybody wins!

The Poetry Of Indie

Donning some flares and an old velvet jacket
Getting discounts thanks to a lower tax bracket
Wandering the streets with a gig-guide in hand
often heard asking "Have you heard of this band?"

But when I'm alone, on my bed as i sit.
Some times i wonder if perhaps i should quit
But because of the insults and all of the hate
I remember and smile "being Indie is great"

By Sebastian E. Berkovich

Hope you folks enjoy this little thing it was inspired by The Poetry Of Murder.

How Indie Are You?

Well people if you where wondering how much help your going to need before you reach a perfectly Indie state of bliss.. this is a good place to start


In other news i have a nice little entry written up on "Indie Survival Kits" just need to tweak it a bit before i post it.

Occupational Hazards

Today's venture into Dublin city resulted in a moment of thought provoking comedy.

The Comedy:
I decided as it is a Saturday and (at that point in the day) the weather looked good that I'd gather a few Jabba The Huck players together for a little Frisbee throwing, in my favourite park The Iveagh Gardens. well the first problem was that someone it seems had discovered this secret park (which is very well hidden from the rest of Dublin) and they had decided to hold some sort of comedy festival there. So myself and my Jabba buddies had to settle for the tourist infested St. Stephens Green. To be honest i have a lot of time for tourists, but a few years ago i militantly hopped on an anti-tourist band wagon and soon found myself steering it.. so I'm going to have to remain in that position to avoid many difficult questions.
Stephens Green was great. despite is being about as Indie as Christina Aguilera's thong. Because things were going quite well i decied to do more complicated and longer throws... one of which over shot a bit while QED was chasing it so of course he tried to stop, at that point he slid on VERY sloppy mud and turned horizontal. this would probably have been fine if he wasn't going at speed. QED became feet first human missile. Luckily for the other people in the park, he wasn't aimed at any of them. But he did manage to disappear into a large bush. He emerged a few seconds later to uncertain laughter and sporting some recently disturbed leaves.

The Thought:
While this was amusing, it could so easily have been a disaster! QED is certainly not Indie, in fact i'm pretty sure he only tolerates me being around it to reassure himself that he's doing nothing Indie. well what if he HAD been Indie! well a good pair of flares could have been ruined, a snazy second hand hat would have had to be washed, loosing that "old" smell that makes Indie hats so unmistakable. what if it had been ME! it's a thought to terrible when you consider i was wearing my oldest and favourite, green belle and sebastian t-shirt.
my message to you.. try to compromise when playing sport, you may fly unexpectedly into a bush!

How The Indie Philosophy Will Save Africa

I've returned to my Indie hub after my Indie detox in Africa. There have been some nice revelations that have come from my seemingly anti-Indie experiences in and around the Pretoria suburbs. Now i shall share with you my discoveries.

Africa has problems; Health, Crime and Dictatorships are certainly up there. As we know for the vast majority of problems in Africa there are at least 30 groups (charity or otherwise) that are working effortlessly at combating these. this has brought my attention to the lack of support groups aimed at the chronic state of Indie apathy throughout the continent.
Some (perhaps uneducated) people may think that with all of the other apparently "more serious" problems in Africa that focusing any sort of time on the devastatingly disturbing disinterest in Indie Philosophy would be a waste of time and even perhaps insulting. I shall now enlighten them to only a few of the many benefits of bringing the Indie Philosophy to troubled Africa.

Case Study 1)
Imagine an everyday Indie follower; full of life, vigour, greeting each day with a sense of quiet optimism, that perhaps there will be a question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" about Of Montreal, or a band equally likely to stump an audience that until that point, had felt that "General Knowledge" would get them out of even the toughest spots.
Now put this guy in an African nation that perhaps is going through a some sort of political turmoil.
Now what is this guy most likely to do?:

a) Join an anti-government guerilla group?



Ans)
Not likely. What if the guerilla group actually overthrows the establishment! it'll be in the same region of pain that any Indie follower would feel after losing a great Indie band to Universal Records. No self respecting Indie fan would set themselves up for that kind of punishment.

b) Lock themselves away until it all blows over?



Ans)
I don't think so. this would mean that you would run the risk of missing any number of charity festivals aimed at bringing peace to your particular region. Worst case scenario being that while in your basement exile, Pavement suddenly reform and play at the local refuge camp. Followed of course by the band re-realizing that Stephen Malkmus is still a jerk and promptly breaking up again.

c) Leave the country?



Ans)
Of course not! They would of course stay true to the knowledge that despite the ruling governments recent indiscretions, their early stuff was pretty good and enjoy reminding people of that, as well as holding out hope that maybe before being overthrown, they could release at least one policy that reminds you how good they were before they got famous and corrupt (despite the grave unlikelihood).

d) Campaign for a secure middle-of-the-road political party.



Ans) BINGO! Any self respecting Indie person would gladly align themselves with a pretty decent political party (Assuming the party has very little real support or funding). Mainly due to the fact that in Africa middle-of-the-road parties have had little history of success. BUT! eventually like all things great and Indie, it'll be discussed. non-Indie folk will find out and tell other non Indie folk until the party has gained support from the majority at which point the original fans will leave the party sighting reasons like "They were great in smaller venues" and "The new manifesto isn't a patch on their early ones".

Result: The party takes power, the country is stabilized and it had the hard work and doctrine of the Indie folk to thank for it.

Africa: Pop Music or Pop Flares? (part 2)

My quest in this country to explore the deepest darkest parts of indie africa is becoming more and more depressing by the day. i have more or less given up my search for the existance of the fabled "south african indie scene". here are some reasons:
this is a list i found of the indie bands in South africa. The list contains about 100 bands.. All over south africa. not too shabby. Sadly this gave me hope.. FALSE hope.. according to this gig guide there are only about 10 indie/alternative gigs in the entire country.. for the rest of the week. this is pretty depressing especially considering many of them are happening about a 2 hour flight away from where i am.

that is why i've decided to try to get more gigs going in this country.. sadly this will go against the grain of my teachings.. i have to try to make indie music more popular in south africa... but i have to destroy it again before it gets too big. this is probably going to take a lot more work than i can handle alone, so it looks like i'm going to need to get some south africans involved..
so.. anyone have any idea where indie south africans hang out? my guess is europe.

Africa: Indie or Insane (Part 1)

Well folks, i'm in africa, South Africa. Pretoria to be exact.. this probably explains my lack of posting. but i am here on an important mission: to answer a question which began when i found a Camera Obscura album in a little record shop in Taiwan.
How Indie are places far away?
.. i like to give a mark in percentage form: at the moment Pretoria.. isn't looking so sharp.

i'm communicating now from a very large shopping centre, the biggest in this hemisphere i'm informed. So i wandered around the shops looking for a sign of some indieness. i also tried this earlier in the week in a place called Centurion, but alas, the most indie thing i found was Cat Stevens greatest hits. i was so depressed i almost bought it. (i in fact already have the album, i just felt this one deserved to be released from its prison). Things have been a little more successful here.. in the 4th record store i went into i found the first glimmer of hope: an "alternative" section, nestled neatly and untouched between "Metal" and "Afrikaans"

sadly, this flame of hope was quickly quashed by my discovery that it appeared to have meant "alternative metal". but having been sick of my elaborate music playing capabilities at home (this is an exteral hard drive, and external speakers meeting angrily with a laptop on its last legs) i decided that i MUST find a CD to listen to.. strangely i discover that after Green Day and other unacceptable music is the "various" section.. barely labled. it is a treasure trove, a life line in this land of over-produced crap.
I spot The Go Teams album and raise it into the air like a new born child in a Disney movie (but without elton john) i also see to my surprise Duke Special's album...

i now have 2 CD's to keep me busy while my poor little laptop crashes.

as it stands South Africa is at 20%.. and thats just because i'm in a good mood.

more updates are to come.. my next section will be the indie populace.. Do they in fact exist. and if so.. where are they?

Travel.. Just Say NO!

My exams have ended and all that's left is to demonstrate my final year project.. I'm working hard at the moment on a speech explaining how Indie a project that doesn't work is. I also haven't been able to post in a while due to the lack of my Spelling and Grammar Corrector... so here we go.

I, as many good Indie folk do own a lovely little bike called Mabel. She came to exist due to my frustration towards Dublin's public transport. Today, considering the oddly hot day that's in it ("big up" to the Americans with the 4x4 for that by the way) I decided to take a recently repaired Mabel out for a cycle to check out some fine indie hangouts. This poses some problems as I discovered during Mabel's "pre-repaired" state: flares and bikes don't get on very well.. In fact, they'll get you killed. While I won't get into the details I will simply say that there was a conspiracy between my flares and pedals that landed me into a street lamp.

I began thinking up helpful hits for indie folk in transit. But as I'm sure people out there already know, compromising your indie integrity for safety generally ends up with you looking like you'd blend in at the front of a Take That concert and to be honest you may as well be dead. SO instead I've got helpful hints in how to survive being indie while getting from point A to point B
while i understand some people don't have to put up with dublin bus and so can get public transport without fear. so there are some tips for the bus... this DOES come with a disclaimer mind you. "be warned if this goes wrong, it will go badly wrong"

BUS:
while on a bus it is important to stand or sit alone, looking pensive out a window (or at your reflection) sounds easy enough but even this simple task has pitfalls
!people sitting beside you!
As we all know having the latest "now thats what i call music" bleeding into your ears from the music zombie beside you is one of the biggest risks when it comes to bus travel. but there is a cunning way to avoid this hellish horror;
while sitting and being as indie as you can, give a watch out for people getting on the bus and eyeing up the seat beside you, when you see one, grab eye contact and give one of those "remember me" smile and nods, followed by a sharp look-away. The kind you would give a guy you met from school but never talked to because they bought Snow Patrols Final Straw album before listening to the first two.
well this will, 99% of the time, result in the person franticly trying to place you, wondering where you had met, what your name is and why you let something so silly spoil your friendship, he will then move onto a different seat to avoid a teeth-pulling conversation.
BUT! there IS that 1% that will sit down and talk about their favourite football team for the rest of the journey: be warned.

BIKE
being indie and on a bike is hard. in fact it's dangerous so your going to need some "tools" to ensure a safe, yet incredibly indie trip. A wire hanger and a pair of pliers can make amazing things, it also solved my Flares-in-gears problem. Simply take the heads off two clotheshangers; bend them into the shape of an outstretched flare; attach with some handy button badges and you've got yourself where you're going while doing it with flares proudly outstretched.i'm going to put up some pictures of the "Wire flare guard.

Hard Work.

if you are a regular reader of my wise words you are probably very worried about now because i haven't posted anything in a while, don't fear, your favourite indie guru isn't dead or isn't as yet to indie to post things online. I'm doing my finals which is arguably more important at the moment. just keep yourself busy, post comments about how much you miss me and i'll be back with a shiny new instalment on Saturday afternoon/night. so just keep your flares on!

Communication $|{i|_|_$

National Identity is very important and having grown up in most beautiful of backwater European nations, i understand that i would not be as indie as i am today if i had to tell people i'm from one of the popular nations like the USA, China or England. This great advantage to my indie persona has until now been taken for granted and i feel, as someone gifted with the accent of a lesser nation that it is up to me to share with the poor indie population of the world weighed down by a cumbersome common passport polluting the inside of an otherwise very stylish velvet jacket.
so after some research I've discovered that it's language that's the key to indie nationality and here are the top indie languages for those of you looking to ditch your common tongue for something a little more acceptable to your indie peers.

|337:
aw.. "nerds". While these gentle, generally nocturnal creatures are a distant relative of the better known "Indie" phylum. They differ only in the most subtle of behaviour. competing and one-up-manship is observed in both, but with the "nerds" it is generally done for self gratification as opposed to the much more worth while task of becoming an enviable indie-lord in the eyes of ones peers. Nerds, in the 80's went to great lengths to create "leet" (|337) in order to encode their conversations. Great disappointment echoed throughout the nerd community when in the 90's it came to light that no one gave 2 shits about what they talk about.

Ogham:
The Celts really made sure this language was doomed from the beginning. Coupled the fact that to any passer by, Ogham just looks like what a dog would do if it tried to spell it's name, Ogham was generally only written on rocks or trees. Whoever it was that came up with the idea probably forgot about it a couple of hours later, which doesn't matter considering it has a readership of 1 pictured here


Cherokee:
With a speaking population of 22,000 and it's very own unique characters, this surely is a great one to learn, coupled with the fact American government is accidentally doing it's best to get that number right down to 0. In a short few years it could be the official language of the "indie people"



Dhivehi:
Have you ever been to the Republic of Maldives? Have you ever known anyone who has been there? Or perhaps a guy that knows a guy, that knows a guy that's been there?.... no? then you probably didn't know about Dhivehi either. The fact it's spoken by about 300,000 doesn't really matter when you consider that no one knows where the hell they are. Also note that it's the perfect language for the indie guy out there who already speaks Sinhalese!

Taki Taki:
This south American language may have only 120,000 speakers and is referred to by its not so politically correct name "negro-English" but theses come in at distant second to the main reason that this language is a contender for the top spot. this feather weight weighs in at only 340 words when you consider that English has 250,000. it becomes clear who would win over the indie crowd in what would be an uncontested bout... it would also finally make winning a vocabulary completion a real possibility even for those who's memory isn't so agile?



Hopelandic:
Iceland has an estimated population of 300,000. this of course makes it's language one of the more indie in Europe. but that just wasn't good enough some people. Jón Þór "Jónsi" Birgisson, one of the Indie icons of the 20th century, seemed to think that was about 299,999 too many. convincing them all to take up another language proved as big a task as Bjork's mom trying to convince her people that whale meat wasn't that great after all. So He put plan 'B' into operation and developed "Vonlenska"(Hopelandic). to ensure it remained as indie as possible he cleverly avoided using words and instead opting for the sound of dolphins mating as the basis for the language.

Glossolalia:
also known as "Speaking in tongues" this communication technique is one of the few (for good reason) that requires your body to be in spasm. This has hampered it's promulgation by the simple fact that it does not lend itself well to travel, asking a for directions for instance could result in you accidentally driving yourself off a cliff and all before you find out which turn you take after the 1st Presbyterian church. Also if you think someone speaking English loudly at an acoustic gig is bit rude.. then someone speaking Glossolalia could easily drive you to an apparently well deserved murder.

Irish:
When an entire nation is forced to learn a language, you would image that it would catch on pretty quick. WRONG! it appears there is nothing the Irish people hate more than being told what to know. This means that only 300,000 from the 4 million forced to learn it can actually speak it. this language would win hands down as the best indie language if it wasn't for the fact that every Irish person in the country would be simultaneously mobilized to learn the language in an instant if anyone from Europe so much as muttered "maybe you guy shouldn't bother learning Irish"

Indie-an:
Developed by the Dublin City University Head of Indie, The Right Honourable Professor Carrie King, this language is for true Indie folk. Words and letters are formed by the names and release dates of various Indie albums/songs. I.e. (Each one stands for a different character. Hello= ). Thus, one is able to assess the Indie cred of another Indie peer, under the guise of frivolous chit-chat. The more Indie knowledge you possess, the bigger is your Indie-an vocabulary. Thus, this can be related directly back to Noam Chomsky's "Vocabulary Theory". Instead of being a measure of intelligence, it weighs up Indie.

interpretative dance:
probably the only time you can legitimately say "i don't have enough space to answer your question".. assuming you have enough space to say it.

Indie Philosophy.. not 100% implementable

Being one of the main trail-blazers for the incorporation of the indie philosophy into different aspects of life, this has unforeseeable consequences. like many rogues and rebels i often strive into the unknown, armed only with my ideals and my iPod. In many ways the pioneering has paid off, like helping other indie folk to understand and enjoy indie life to it's fullest. but sadly with so much exploration into the unknown there are bound to be one or two wrong turns and of course a fair share of dead ends. So while i greatly promote any readers that are attempting to strive with me into the uncharted abyss that is indie-nirvana* I would like to help you steer away from areas which i have found no avenues of implementation for the indie way.

1) Study:
it doesn't get much more indie than college, this is where we learn how much better we are than other people. Where we discover that being judgemental is not a bad character trait,but a "Spidie Sense" for indie folk. for me it is where my research into the bounds of indie life first hit a speed-bump, this was Exam Time. Exams are defiantly not an area where the Indie Philosophy is compatible. having spend most of my time studying the most obscure parts of the course, i was shocked! when the most obvious topics would be asked. the ignorance of my naive lecturers towards the indie philosophy was about to end my college career prematurely. I couldn't just abandon my entire belief system in order to adhere to what "everyone else" was learning. I had a crisis of faith... but i was save upon realizing that anonymous marking had been implemented at the college. there was almost no way for someone to discover the knowledge i had picked up was as common as Britney Spears. after learning all of this popular knowledge it took almost 3 weeks of indie cleansing to forget the information. so be prepared, have some VERY obscure music** ready for you post exam cleansing.

2)Public Transport:
i could go into great depth about how the marriage of public transport and indie is riddled with more domestic abuse then a marriage between Mike Tyson and Aileen Wuornos, but i wont. Just image yourself waiting with rain soaked flares and faded button badges while you watch as the bus bounding towards you is in fact ANOTHER bloody 46A.

3)Buying a Car:
As it happens not everything from the 1960's is as good as The Small Faces and generally I've found that if it's not vinyl, smelling like a charity shop, goes well with your cord jacket or been owned by a musician it's more hassle than it's worth. best bet just get a car made 2 years ago that nobody in there right mind would want. If you live in Europe this means get an American car, if you live in America it means start hoping that there's a 46A coming your way.
while I'm sure you all agree with everything my research has unveiled you can NEVER admit it to ANYONE.. so if your asked, memorise THESE answers.

1. "So far I've studied every album released from 1961 to 1979.. that sold under 300 records"
2. "Oh i got the 8C into town today"
3. "It may look brand new... but i was in fact hand carved by Nick Drake in 1968"

*this does in NO way make reference to a band that may or may not be called nirvana
**this obscure music could contain Aberfeldy, Duke Special or "these guys"

"God Hopping" and vegetable shopping

"people are scum". unfortunately by definition, perfectly acceptable indie folk like myself are grossly out numbered by people that evolution forgot. while i wish no ill will to these people, i would like to spend as much of my life as possible in places i'm never going to have to see them. libraries, museums and indie record shops are confident hang-outs to someone who wants to avoid the cultural vacuum of these meaningless shells of people. sadly we cannot avoid them forever.

every human irrelevant of there greater or diminished intelligence does have to eat. which is what brought me to the shopping centre today. The scum of humanity seem to gather in large numbers at very particular times and places, such as:

a) A protest; where they might get a chance to throw a stone or shout an obscenity. Generally done when the people actually involved in the protest have returned home to watch the unfolding stupidity on the news.

b) A concert by a popular rapper; it's a well known fact that if a bomb where to go off in the middle of the a 50 cent gig crime would easily be reduced by 40%.. this figure of course does not include the possibility that the rapper himself is murdered. Because for something to be murdered it must at least be sentient.

c) a shopping centre; who knows... maybe hanging out around a book shop for a few hours a day might increase the chance that these people might accidentally read something, for instance a "No Loitering" sign.

It is of course part c in which the everyday indie folk must cross paths with the "majority". For many of us.. this is not easy, indie folk risk various terrible side-effects from these places. With that in mind i have decided to show how anyone can come out unscathed from this culture void.

Step 1)
your going to need music, but this is no time for Iron & Wine or even Belle and Sebastian your going to need something with non-stop melody and loud vocals. Dogs die in hot cars or The Crocketts are my preference. if your a level 5 indie-vegan and so only listen to soft acoustic music. Have no fear your just going to have to plug your ears somehow.

Step 2)
head down, walk fast. doing this will prevent any cigarette vultures pouncing. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT. they can use this to move in and perhaps innocently ask for directions!

Step 3)
do your best to stay way from the frozen food section, the easier the food is to prepare the more likely it will have several zombie-esk patrols trying to make sense of the microwave cooking instructions. if it's unavoidable then your best bet is to make strikes into the section from beside the spice rack.

Step 4)
Your almost home free.. but don't spoil it by starting up a conversation with the person at the till. although it could be the case that the till person is that most unfortunate of people. and indie person who must "deal with the public". These people are a lost cause and conversations on indie topics can only give them false hope that perhaps they have not been as corrupted at the first thought by intellect sucking conversations with the masses.

you should have made it home in one piece and are now free for another week from that strange pop-universe.
now eat, be happy and enjoy some music that will make you proud to be a minority

Ireland's General Election

With a general election looming over the people of Ireland and of course a sense of absolute indifference to the election trembling through the world, it is time to discuss what can a simple Indie boy do to promote being Indie in the world of politics.
Considering the strong apathy towards voting in this country it's important to register, and of course cast your vote. Strange as it may seem this act (for the under 30's) has already put you in the glorious realm of minority. As we all know it's only a hop-skip-and-jump from minority to Indie.
What will polarise this tight group of under-aged voters will be their respective choices. For instance, anyone that votes for the 2 main parties have already lost any credibility for any adherence to the previous steps. You only need look at:

1) Green Party (clean politics? would you trust someone who constantly reminds you they're not corrupt?)






2) Sinn Féin (if your registered to vote, they already have your name and address... doesn't that unnerve you somewhat?)





3) Labour (if a bitchy blonde girl fresh out of a convent wants to vote there isn't a better choice than the party voted most likely to request a 44th recount)






4) Socialist Party (hahahahaha....*wipes away tear * ... aw bless)






5) Independent (some may think it's "any ol' nut case" not true. It's "any ol' nut case with MONEY!")








Now it's good to perform simple steps towards weeding out the most likely people to get into power.
step 1)
Find out who got in last time: here is a good place to do it. Rule them out. No point in voting for someone who may have done a good job last time.. The chances may be pretty slim but it's not worth it to fall at this hurdle.

step 2)
This is where things get serious.. there are some things.. i must admit that must transcend to a higher plain of reasoning.. that is to rule out the nut-cases. This can be difficult for a hardcore indie fan. So remember while the socialist party (you would think) are a safe bet to ensure you vote is cast in the most indie way possible, REMEMBER!: one of them actually got elected last time, so it's better just err on the side of caution and avoid them completely.

step 3)
Look for a background in corruption.. this step rarely weeds anyone out.. but if by chance you happen to be in the constituency of someone who you can't find any evidence of corruption on, rule 'em out. That person is either very good at hiding the truth or worse... an honest candidate.

step 4)
This step is where you really weed it right down to the nitty-gritty... if you see ANY campain posters of a candidate rule them out. It's possible SOMEONE out there thought "i like his face" and are off to the polls to cast them one of the common "i like your face" votes.

step 5)
The final step should have you down to only a few candidates, so you can do some positive elimination. If a candidate has persistently attempted to get elected without getting more than a few hundred votes, thats what i like to call a safe indie vote. An example of which is Paul O'Loughlin. There is no chance in hell that suddenly 6,000 people will wake up and throw away their vote like that.
Next look for an independent candidate that no one seems to know and who has no policies. This guy is a time bomb for any voter who actually cares where their vote goes and so another safe bet.

Finally, if this hasn't left you with a single candidate to choose, don't forget spoiling your vote is a perfectly reasonable indie vote. Just remember to write "none of the candidates were indie enough" on the ballot.

Now remember, for the next 5 years if someone says something like "i can't believe the government are doing such a stupid thing" you can say "well, don't look at me i didn't vote for them. If the public did any research they would have seen this coming just as i did". Suddenly, other Indie folk now see you, not only as a god of obscure music but also as their new Lord of Politics.. Use this power wisely and NEVER give away who you voted for.. for fear they might get in next time.

Camera Obscura Gig

well tonight i had the pressure of camera obscura's gig in the village.
great set with all the expected songs to sing along to, like "lets get out of the country" and "Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken", but of course the moment of true inspiration was when they played "Let's go bowling" a lovely song from an early ep. so i sang loudly as if to announce, "HA! I'm far more important than you people who only know the words to their "popular" songs". this feeling of superiority was sadly crushed as i tightened my lips during an Amy Winehouse cover, it wouldn't do to have all the hard work being Indie RUINED by singing along to such a well known song.. very clever tracyanne but i was on top of things tonight...
all in all a successfully indie night.

First

great stuff, i started a Blog on the day i plan on seeing camera obscura. this will of course help me to think of something to write about tomorrow morning, while i'm trying to avoid studying for my finals.. speaking of those does anyone know much about the Remote Method Invocation Command (RMIC).. i wonder if there's a band with that name. if not i can use at as a trump card to weed out people that know more about indie music than i do.. i can see how the conversation will go

Guy who knows indie stuff: hey what do you think about Broken Social Scene
Seb Berkovich thinks... shit, he knows bands i like.. start super secrete plan X
Seb Berkovich says: They pretty good but they're just copying the style of RMIC
GWKIS: oh... yeah.. well i never listened to them much.. but i think you've got a point
Berkovich thinks.... game, set, match.
Berkovich Says: yeah.. well they were pretty indie, only the really hardcore indie folk would know them.
GWKIS: yeah.. ok.. well i need to get another drink, talk to you later
Berkovich thinks.... see ya later sucker