Travel.. Just Say NO!

My exams have ended and all that's left is to demonstrate my final year project.. I'm working hard at the moment on a speech explaining how Indie a project that doesn't work is. I also haven't been able to post in a while due to the lack of my Spelling and Grammar Corrector... so here we go.

I, as many good Indie folk do own a lovely little bike called Mabel. She came to exist due to my frustration towards Dublin's public transport. Today, considering the oddly hot day that's in it ("big up" to the Americans with the 4x4 for that by the way) I decided to take a recently repaired Mabel out for a cycle to check out some fine indie hangouts. This poses some problems as I discovered during Mabel's "pre-repaired" state: flares and bikes don't get on very well.. In fact, they'll get you killed. While I won't get into the details I will simply say that there was a conspiracy between my flares and pedals that landed me into a street lamp.

I began thinking up helpful hits for indie folk in transit. But as I'm sure people out there already know, compromising your indie integrity for safety generally ends up with you looking like you'd blend in at the front of a Take That concert and to be honest you may as well be dead. SO instead I've got helpful hints in how to survive being indie while getting from point A to point B
while i understand some people don't have to put up with dublin bus and so can get public transport without fear. so there are some tips for the bus... this DOES come with a disclaimer mind you. "be warned if this goes wrong, it will go badly wrong"

BUS:
while on a bus it is important to stand or sit alone, looking pensive out a window (or at your reflection) sounds easy enough but even this simple task has pitfalls
!people sitting beside you!
As we all know having the latest "now thats what i call music" bleeding into your ears from the music zombie beside you is one of the biggest risks when it comes to bus travel. but there is a cunning way to avoid this hellish horror;
while sitting and being as indie as you can, give a watch out for people getting on the bus and eyeing up the seat beside you, when you see one, grab eye contact and give one of those "remember me" smile and nods, followed by a sharp look-away. The kind you would give a guy you met from school but never talked to because they bought Snow Patrols Final Straw album before listening to the first two.
well this will, 99% of the time, result in the person franticly trying to place you, wondering where you had met, what your name is and why you let something so silly spoil your friendship, he will then move onto a different seat to avoid a teeth-pulling conversation.
BUT! there IS that 1% that will sit down and talk about their favourite football team for the rest of the journey: be warned.

BIKE
being indie and on a bike is hard. in fact it's dangerous so your going to need some "tools" to ensure a safe, yet incredibly indie trip. A wire hanger and a pair of pliers can make amazing things, it also solved my Flares-in-gears problem. Simply take the heads off two clotheshangers; bend them into the shape of an outstretched flare; attach with some handy button badges and you've got yourself where you're going while doing it with flares proudly outstretched.i'm going to put up some pictures of the "Wire flare guard.

Ireland's General Election

With a general election looming over the people of Ireland and of course a sense of absolute indifference to the election trembling through the world, it is time to discuss what can a simple Indie boy do to promote being Indie in the world of politics.
Considering the strong apathy towards voting in this country it's important to register, and of course cast your vote. Strange as it may seem this act (for the under 30's) has already put you in the glorious realm of minority. As we all know it's only a hop-skip-and-jump from minority to Indie.
What will polarise this tight group of under-aged voters will be their respective choices. For instance, anyone that votes for the 2 main parties have already lost any credibility for any adherence to the previous steps. You only need look at:

1) Green Party (clean politics? would you trust someone who constantly reminds you they're not corrupt?)






2) Sinn Féin (if your registered to vote, they already have your name and address... doesn't that unnerve you somewhat?)





3) Labour (if a bitchy blonde girl fresh out of a convent wants to vote there isn't a better choice than the party voted most likely to request a 44th recount)






4) Socialist Party (hahahahaha....*wipes away tear * ... aw bless)






5) Independent (some may think it's "any ol' nut case" not true. It's "any ol' nut case with MONEY!")








Now it's good to perform simple steps towards weeding out the most likely people to get into power.
step 1)
Find out who got in last time: here is a good place to do it. Rule them out. No point in voting for someone who may have done a good job last time.. The chances may be pretty slim but it's not worth it to fall at this hurdle.

step 2)
This is where things get serious.. there are some things.. i must admit that must transcend to a higher plain of reasoning.. that is to rule out the nut-cases. This can be difficult for a hardcore indie fan. So remember while the socialist party (you would think) are a safe bet to ensure you vote is cast in the most indie way possible, REMEMBER!: one of them actually got elected last time, so it's better just err on the side of caution and avoid them completely.

step 3)
Look for a background in corruption.. this step rarely weeds anyone out.. but if by chance you happen to be in the constituency of someone who you can't find any evidence of corruption on, rule 'em out. That person is either very good at hiding the truth or worse... an honest candidate.

step 4)
This step is where you really weed it right down to the nitty-gritty... if you see ANY campain posters of a candidate rule them out. It's possible SOMEONE out there thought "i like his face" and are off to the polls to cast them one of the common "i like your face" votes.

step 5)
The final step should have you down to only a few candidates, so you can do some positive elimination. If a candidate has persistently attempted to get elected without getting more than a few hundred votes, thats what i like to call a safe indie vote. An example of which is Paul O'Loughlin. There is no chance in hell that suddenly 6,000 people will wake up and throw away their vote like that.
Next look for an independent candidate that no one seems to know and who has no policies. This guy is a time bomb for any voter who actually cares where their vote goes and so another safe bet.

Finally, if this hasn't left you with a single candidate to choose, don't forget spoiling your vote is a perfectly reasonable indie vote. Just remember to write "none of the candidates were indie enough" on the ballot.

Now remember, for the next 5 years if someone says something like "i can't believe the government are doing such a stupid thing" you can say "well, don't look at me i didn't vote for them. If the public did any research they would have seen this coming just as i did". Suddenly, other Indie folk now see you, not only as a god of obscure music but also as their new Lord of Politics.. Use this power wisely and NEVER give away who you voted for.. for fear they might get in next time.